Gordon Universe

ON EWOKS!

The Ewoks are awesome.  The cute teddy bear appearance is a façade, hiding the untamed spirit of a savage and the burning soul of a warrior. Here are a few things to consider if you are anti-Ewok or on the fence: 

• The Ewoks were going to eat Luke, Han and Chewbacca.  In fact, their thirst for flesh and blood was so strong, that when their new God (C-3PO) first told them not to eat our heroes, Logray, the village medicine man, basically said “Fuck that, God, we’re eating these losers.”  They spat in God’s face.  Then they laughed at him.  Plus, the Ewoks were going to cook the trio alive!  That’s hardcore!

• Consider too that the Ewoks also have great taste and know true beauty when they see it, the reason behind not only deciding to not cook Princess Leia with the others, but to also braid her hair and give her a new dress (belonging to the victim of a previous “cookout”?).

• Their chosen ways of slaughtering Stormtroopers, though cartoony, are pretty gruesome and extreme.   Would you want to be in this AT-ST?  What’s this movie rated again?

• After defeating the Empire, the Ewoks cut off the Stormtroopers’ heads and use them as drums!  You could theorize and even argue that the helmets are empty, but I wouldn’t put it passed these vicious space-Pygmies.  And what of the Stormtroopers’ bodies?  They had to serve something at that party!

• With a body of fur, their hoods serve no practical purpose, so the Ewoks’ developed sense of fashion must be taken into account.

• If you think that the Ewoks overthrowing the Empire is too far-fetched and ridiculous, just remember this:  They didn’t.  They lead this particular battle to victory.  They overthrew the locally stationed Scout Troopers by taking them by surprise and by having the home team advantage.  The Ewoks played a pivotal role, but the real victory was led by Lando Calrissian and Admiral Ackbar in space.

• Although primitive, the Ewoks have already mastered hang gliding! 

• They had the patience to put up this bozo!

• Their braveness and sense of loyalty knows no bounds:  They protected the bozo above and his sister from a giant… well… Look at this thing!  And they won!  We’re not dealing with pussies here.

• If you feel that the Ewoks exist only to sell toys, I would like to point out that only FOUR ewoks were created for the original action figure line.

• Their kickin’ tunes!

  Celebrate the love!-          Andy Merriman (Jan. 19, 2008) 

For more Ewok love, here’s a song from about 7 years ago.  I co-wrote the tune with Loren Pilcher and he performs it.  David Toy provides the sweet beats.